Women’s More Embarrassing Moments

I remember as a little girl, cringing when my mother overtly put my dad down in public. In front of friends, she would say all the things that he had done wrong in her eyes. Then she would go on to say that she was so attractive while trying to flirt with some other man. And this was in front of him! OK, he had his issues, but then again so did she! So my education had begun in the battle between the sexes.  This battle continues as stories shared in women’s conversations and popular women’s media still degrade the masculine. There are masculine cultures and media that degrade the feminine as well. However this blog focuses on the feminine degrading the masculine.

In my blog “The Effects of Masculine Culture on Men” I focused on masculine culture and how the norms and attitudes did not help men to connect with their emotional selves. Today I want to look at how aspects of feminine culture do not help women to understand or embrace their emotions in a healthy and responsible manner. Due to unhealthy attitudes, women can remain emotionally hurt, bitter and shut down from listening to and understanding men’s experience.

The Princess Myth

Something I see and hear over and over again is an idea that women are better than men in an incredibly condescending way. It is subtly and sometimes even overtly portrayed in advertising, media and in conversation where the gist is that women should self-righteously accept “the best” from him because she “deserves” that. Some women argue that because women have been so oppressed for thousands of years, this is women’s way of re-building their sense of self. The feminine has experienced millenniums of oppression and abuse from patriarchal society, but then again so have many groups of men. I am not down grading the feminine wounds (both conscious and unconscious) as she does need healing and honouring. What I am saying however, is that this healing is mutually exclusive with downgrading the masculine.

Attitudes that degrade the masculine, such as “we don’t need him”, “all men are bastards” or as in one recent women’s magazine article “Five reason why boyfriends are bad for your health”, are generally really unhelpful and do not help the feminine heal. The attitude that “women are queens and should be treated like royalty” is not how the feminine needs to be honoured by the masculine. The masculine energy may be about giving and the feminine energy may be about receiving however, between a man and a woman this dance is one of real intimate connection and not conceit. These unattainable expectations of women caught in the princess mindset leave a lot of good men feeling helpless and disheartened when their intention is to make their female partner happy. And yes there are a lot of good men out there who genuinely try to make women happy.

Princess beliefs and expectations seep into girls minds from a young age. They are heavily socialised. If a girl is not confident in her attractiveness then she often has very low self-esteem. Messages in fairy-tales, media and through family conditioning about women being lovable and having feminine purpose are often tied up with body image and physical attractiveness. Without being perceived and treated as if they are attractive, girls will often not develop a confidence in their attractiveness. This can be disastrous in intimate relationships as these women are more likely to find themselves in abusive relationships or with unavailable men. However the flip side to this low self-worth is a grandiose self-worth based of self-perceived attractiveness that degrades others. Underneath is of course insecurity. However the princess pattern can underlie manipulation, false concepts of love and unleash the Goddess “Kali” when she is not treated according to her expectation.

Beyond the Princess Myth

There is something in the middle between the grandiose self-image and low self-image, and that is a realistic self-image with the ability to participate in real interpersonal connection with both men and women. In this space, the feminine may understand and know the pull towards false self-image (in both extremes), however she is able to re-connect with herself in a way that opens her heart and mind to listen to other people’s perspectives, and especially men’s perspectives.


In this space, the feminine is also aware of her emotional self and that she thinks differently from the masculine in some fundamental ways. She may be still healing wounds of being trivialised or abused just because she is an emotionally-based thinker. She may still be learning how to acknowledge and honour her own emotional wisdom. However, she would have no need to compare herself with others, nor would she feel the need to put men down or immaculate men. Rather she aims to develop a strong inner core and deep intuitive knowing of herself. She would know she is all about love and does not need to manipulate to get it.

The feminine, like the masculine, is potentially amazing! She is all about emotional understanding, interpersonal relating and love. However, the feminine potential is not possible without the masculine (and visa versa). The healing shift for women is to recognise the role of the feminine and masculine in our lives and support both energies to live in synchronicity. We are in essence about love, not resentment and hostility. So embracing men in our lives in a realistic way is a loving act and is based on feminine wisdom and connection.

Questions to Women….

Have you ever noticed the princess myth within yourself?

How were you able to overcome the pull of socialization?

 

14 Responses to “Women’s More Embarrassing Moments”

  • Hi Vanessa,

    Love this. Well written.
    Did you ever read ‘Captivating’ by John and Staci Eldridge (and the male version ‘Wild at Heart’)? They spend a lot of time explaining thing from a religious perspective and if you look past this perspective they hit the nail right on the head, as you do.

    I keep saying to my female clients they are amazing, they just need to look in the mirror and tell themselves how beautiful and captivating they are.

    Thanks for the insights

    Cheers

    Andrew

    • Hi Andrew, thanks for your comment. No, I haven’t read “captivating” but it sounds interesting. It is amazing how so many women are incredibly beautiful in so many ways and yet they often cannot see their own beauty… That must be perplexing and maybe even frustrating to men.

      Lots of love
      Vanessa

  • Its always been a bit of a personal battle of mine…first I had brothers, then a husband, a son, male friends & family. I certainly did not wish to dump on them (even though at times it was spooo easy:)) in the end we are all just people giving it the best shot we can, short comings & all. A solid understanding & consequent acceptance of the fact that we do think differently, males & females, helps our integration immensely:))

    • Hi Veronica, I totally agree! the masculine and feminine are different and often struggle to understand each other. Even with good will and love present, without an understanding and honouring of those differences, it can feel hopeless. Thank you for sharing for experiences.

      Lots of love
      Vanessa

  • Wow. Brilliant article Nessie. You articulate this issue so beautifully! Oh, for there to be a time when we can truly ‘dance’ together in the way I believe we are meant to. Is it really possible?

  • Hey my other name-sake :-) Always love another Vanessa giving our name a “good” name :-) hahahaha

    None the less, you asked: have you ever noticed the princess myth within yourself?

    Yes. I also have experienced this however in a way that most people are not aware. That’s all I am willing to say on a public blog.

    Thanks for the great blog post !

  • I am one of those lucky guys that has never been in a relationship where my partner has publicly berated me in front of others, sure, I know they’ve complained about some of the dumb stuff I’ve done to close friends and family and I’m completely OK with that, Firstly because I deserved it, but secondly, we all need to share with those closest to us, not only for our own healing but also to build stronger connections with people who love us and have our best interests at heart.

    And of course, I’ve had occasion to complain to a confidante about dumb stuff my partners have done for my own therapy. I am also happily available to the people who ask for my time. The further along my journey of self discovery I venture, the sadder I get about the differential between the number of people who have a need for a shoulder to cry on or someone to talk to and those who actually ask for it.

    There is a very big difference however, between asking for guidance and counsel from a loving friend and publicly berating your spouse. I am one of those interfering pains in the ass that will stick my nose into someone elses business if I feel the situation deserves it.

    I refuse to idly stand by and watch a man be emasculated by his wife in front of a group of his friends and I’ll equally interfere when a man behaves equally badly. Could this interference strategy lead to violence. Absolutely.

    I’ll never forget the day, my girlfriend at the time and I were walking through the Roma St station tunnels on the way to the city. We happened upon a group of seemingly normal humans, adult males and females, yelling “Stop’Stop” So, naturally I look to see what’s happening.

    To my horror, I see a man with what turned out to be his wife, one hand around her throat and the other beating her over and over. How long this had gone on I have no idea but she was wearing the marks of a heavy battle.

    So, of course I grabbed him, threw him against the wall and dealt with it in the manner I would expect if someone ever comes upon my daughter, mother or sister in the same situation. Did I take my share of hits in the exchange that happened afterwards. Of course I did, any man that is so ferociously angry that he will beat his wife publicly is going to be hard to stop.

    After the kerfuffle had died down, I looked around. I didnt know who to be more disgusted with, the men for watching it happen, the wives and girlfriends who told their partners to stay out of someone elses business or again the men who were too scared to do the right thing.

    Yes, i am one of THOSE Neanderthals that thinks that there are times that violence is necessary. Stopping a woman being beaten to death in front of a crowd is absolutely one of those times. I was disgusted to share the same air as these people on that day. My then girlfriend was equally appalled, screaming at the crowd “What’s fu**ing wrong you people?”

    Whats wrong indeed. Are we so out of touch with ourselves that no-one is prepared to stand up and take their place in society. Are men too scared to do the right thing for fear of being hurt? Are women so scared of others opinions that they’ll openly humiliate their husbands in a safe place but ask them to hide in the crowd when it’s time to actually be a man.

    Where then, do we start to heal the relationships between us? Who else will stand by my side and tell my children that there is so much more to life than the pretty clothes on her back or the food on her table. Who else will teach our children, that sometimes we all have to take a stand, and doing so should be the right thing to do.

    Even if we have to take a few hits ourselves.

    • Wow, what a response! Thank you for sharing. You bring up a whole lot of challenging ethical dilemmas. I can see where you are coming from. While I do not condone violence, I can totally see why you needed to act the way you did under those circumstances. And I can see your point, which is a great one. It’s all about our values and what do we stand for!!! These are great questions!

      Thank you for bringing in the male perspective
      Lots of love
      Vanessa

  • oh Vanessa, I just love your blogs, when I get to read them… and this one is quite on the button… as usual!! Nes, here’s the thing, I agree absolutely with you, about the whole ‘women putting down men’, and it has become a bit too often. I’ve never liked that sort of attitude. I was raised with 4 brothers a very male dominated home, and I loved my brothers, and all that came with that. I actually enjoy the company of men, and their intelligence… Men and Women are different, that makes us all interesting. The old saying ‘treat those as you would like to be treated’, can not be said enough… Men deserve respect, and have probably lost their way a little with the rising of feminine consciousness and power.. We women have a responsibility in the way we raise our boys, and all that comes with that…

    Just wanted to say that most of our problems can be solved by going back to nature and simpler ways. There is too much pressure on young girls and guys to look like the air brushed images in magazines, to be and look a certain way, when we should be fostering ‘celebration’ of ourselves, as more than good enough, unique enough… awesome as we are….. oh I’m off on a rant now….
    Good work Ness.
    xx Annie xo

    • Hi Annie, thank you for your beautiful comment! You made a fantastic point about men probably loosing their way a bit with the rising of feminine consciousness! There is absolutely no blame of either gender, and feminine consciousness wants and needs to rise (with all our mistakes and successes). But as we do, the masculine is not sure where it fits anymore. I hear this a lot from men who access my service! Men and women naturally bounce off each other (either harmonically or chaotically), so it’s no wonder they may feel out of their depth sometimes in relationship with women.

      Great points Annie!!!
      Lots of love
      Vanessa

  • Kama:

    Fabulous post Vanessa. What I find odd is that we often want the princess treatment but we often wont allow men to be men anymore. The majority of men, when allowed to do so, want to be good to women. Men want to be gentlemen, spoil their woman, open the door, lift the heavy things, fix things around the house. I feel that women should be allowed to be women and men should be allowed to be men with a sense of balance and respect for each others natural roles. I am not saying women belong in the kitchen. I am saying that if a women wants to feel like a princess then she will have to let the man be a man. Does that make sense?

    • Hi Kama, thank you for your great comment, I couldn’t agree more!!!

      Masculine and feminine roles have been confused and rejected through the rise of feminism. As we learn about ourselves as women, we are coming to realize the importance of allowing women to be women and men to be men, but from a new angle (I believe). I love a man in their masculine role who also respects women’s minds and emotional wisdom.

      I so appreciate your wonderful comments!!!
      Lots of love
      Vanessa

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