Sexual connection in intimate relationship is another vital aspect of a healthy loving relationship. But the topic of sex in relationship is far bigger than just sex. The quality, frequency and integrity of sex reflect the broader dynamic in the relationship. Ultimately everyone in intimate relationship wants to feel connected to the one they love. They want to feel the love inside their own heart for their partner, and they want to feel loved by their partner. No matter what women and men say about one another, closeness and love is what we are looking for.
It is not unusual to hear women say, “he just wants sex!” Likewise, men might say “all she wants to do is talk!” But what is important here is that both parties actually want the same thing… love! They just have different ways of giving and receiving love. In an intimate relationship where a man does actually care about the woman he is with, he is likely to want sex. Generally speaking, men seek closeness and intimacy through physical sexual contact. There can be other issues happening for a man that get in the way of wanting sex in a relationship, this is also not uncommon. But those issues would need to be addressed by him and possibly in therapy.
Women, on the other hand, often seek closeness and connection through verbal communication. They generally need to feel close and connected to the man before they are ready for sex. So you can see how this dynamic plays out in relationships.
Unconscious Sex in Relationship
I went to a fantastic talk last night presented by Janet McGeever and Gene Thompson on conscious lovemaking. Their overview of traditional sex and conscious lovemaking was very enlightening and it neatly fits with what I have said above.
In their seminar they stated that traditional sex is about expectation, tension, the goal of orgasm, and intercourse. The man has a job to do… to get his woman to orgasm before he can, while maintaining an erection. The woman often feels disconnected because he is not present with her, rather he is concentrating on his “task” to perform. She may even fake orgasm for a range of different reasons. She may feel his pressure and be trying to help him overcome it by allowing him to ejaculate, thinking he has done his job well. Or if the broader context of the relationship is compromised, she may just want it over and done with so she can sleep. A great point Janet and Gene made was that a lot of women have an expectation of themselves that they have to serve their man by being sexually available for him. This can recruit her into having sex without wanting to or being ready to, which ends up having a huge closing down effect on her emotionally and physically.
So the man expects himself to perform his job and she expects that she has to serve him sexually. Neither party ends up enjoying it in the long term. So while sex may be great at the beginning, it becomes mundane and a chore as the relationship matures.
Janet and Gene then went on to describe conscious lovemaking. They stated in their seminar that in contrast to traditional sex in a relationship, conscious lovemaking is relaxed, not goal orientated, has no expectations of self or other, and is far broader than just intercourse. Janet spoke about the woman’s experience in sex where the positive polarity with a man is in the breast and heart area, while the man’s positive polarity in the genitals. This positive and negative polarity has to happen to for the sexual and love attraction to happen between a man and a woman. She starts to warm up in the heart and breasts, he starts to warm up in the penis. If all goes well, the energy will move down her body to her genitals and for him, it will move up to his heart.
After hearing about this last night, I realised how much that explanation fits perfectly with what I already knew about sex in relationships. For the sexual and love polarity to work between a man and a woman it is vital that she moves from the heart/emotional down to the physical, and that he moves from the physical to the heart/emotional.
The important trick in conscious relationship is to honour yourself and your partner by understanding the different movements of sexual/emotional energies in men and women, and respecting and embracing those differences. Working with this natural lore, rather than forcing our own will on how we think it should be done … men think sex/women think conversation or non-sexual affection… is the key to great on-going sex in the long term and a healthy, connected loving intimate relationship.