What About Sex?

Sexual connection in intimate relationship is another vital aspect of a healthy loving relationship. But the topic of sex in relationship is far bigger than just sex. The quality, frequency and integrity of sex reflect the broader dynamic in the relationship. Ultimately everyone in intimate relationship wants to feel connected to the one they love. They want to feel the love inside their own heart for their partner, and they want to feel loved by their partner. No matter what women and men say about one another, closeness and love is what we are looking for.

It is not unusual to hear women say, “he just wants sex!” Likewise, men might say “all she wants to do is talk!” But what is important here is that both parties actually want the same thing… love! They just have different ways of giving and receiving love. In an intimate relationship where a man does actually care about the woman he is with, he is likely to want sex. Generally speaking, men seek closeness and intimacy through physical sexual contact. There can be other issues happening for a man that get in the way of wanting sex in a relationship, this is also not uncommon. But those issues would need to be addressed by him and possibly in therapy.

Women, on the other hand, often seek closeness and connection through verbal communication. They generally need to feel close and connected to the man before they are ready for sex. So you can see how this dynamic plays out in relationships.

Unconscious Sex in Relationship

I went to a fantastic talk last night presented by Janet McGeever and Gene Thompson on conscious lovemaking. Their overview of traditional sex and conscious lovemaking was very enlightening and it neatly fits with what I have said above.

In their seminar they stated that traditional sex is about expectation, tension, the goal of orgasm, and intercourse. The man has a job to do… to get his woman to orgasm before he can, while maintaining an erection. The woman often feels disconnected because he is not present with her, rather he is concentrating on his “task” to perform. She may even fake orgasm for a range of different reasons. She may feel his pressure and be trying to help him overcome it by allowing him to ejaculate, thinking he has done his job well. Or if the broader context of the relationship is compromised, she may just want it over and done with so she can sleep. A great point Janet and Gene made was that a lot of women have an expectation of themselves that they have to serve their man by being sexually available for him. This can recruit her into having sex without wanting to or being ready to, which ends up having a huge closing down effect on her emotionally and physically.

So the man expects himself to perform his job and she expects that she has to serve him sexually. Neither party ends up enjoying it in the long term. So while sex may be great at the beginning, it becomes mundane and a chore as the relationship matures.

Conscious Lovemaking

Janet and Gene then went on to describe conscious lovemaking. They stated in their seminar that in contrast to traditional sex in a relationship, conscious lovemaking is relaxed, not goal orientated, has no expectations of self or other, and is far broader than just intercourse. Janet spoke about the woman’s experience in sex where the positive polarity with a man is in the breast and heart area, while the man’s positive polarity in the genitals. This positive and negative polarity has to happen to for the sexual and love attraction to happen between a man and a woman. She starts to warm up in the heart and breasts, he starts to warm up in the penis. If all goes well, the energy will move down her body to her genitals and for him, it will move up to his heart.

After hearing about this last night, I realised how much that explanation fits perfectly with what I already knew about sex in relationships. For the sexual and love polarity to work between a man and a woman it is vital that she moves from the heart/emotional down to the physical, and that he moves from the physical to the heart/emotional.

The important trick in conscious relationship is to honour yourself and your partner by understanding the different movements of sexual/emotional energies in men and women, and respecting and embracing those differences. Working with this natural lore, rather than forcing our own will on how we think it should be done … men think sex/women think conversation or non-sexual affection… is the key to great on-going sex in the long term and a healthy, connected loving intimate relationship.

For more information about Janet and Gene’s Conscious Love Making Retreats click here!

20 Responses to “What About Sex?”

  • Hi Vanessa

    This is all so true and of course fits in with my beliefs, thinking and teachings as well. Unfortunately in society today we are not educated about sex properly. We are given the basics & we are not taught about relating in relationships and so we learn as we go & quite often we are not doing a good job at either. Sex is perceived to be primarly goal orientated, the man to “perform” for the woman to achieve orgasm, which creates pressure on him & her & for both parties to reach orgasm. No wonder it can become a chore! When sex becomes a part of the journey, with no destination it is a much better journey for both parties. When you can relax with sex, with no expectation and just come together and play and allow it to unfold, It is here that you can truly connect with each other & dive into deeper spaces on a heart and sole level.

    • Thank you Pauline… I completely agree!!! Education about sex and sexuality in Western society is incredibly limited to the physical and physiological. We have completely missed the very relevance of emotional well-being in sex, self-value and emotional/sexual safety.

      Sexuality and conscious sexual practice is so essential, so that we do not further violate ourselves and each other!!!

      Fantastic comment!
      Lots of love
      Vanessa

  • Hi Vanessa, great post. I think it will resonate with a lot of people. It’s a bit like walking to the middle of the emotional and physical from both parties. Thank you

  • Truer words never spoken Vanessa! Thanks for the spicy post & for sharing what you learned at the seminar–it should make many people stop & think. When sex is no longer fun & more like a chore–time to re-evaluate!

    • Hi Jenny, thank you! I agree, there’s so much to sex we simply do not think or know about… I loved Janet and Gene’s seminar because it was so clear and illuminating. I had “ah ha” moments all the way through!

      Lots f love
      Vanessa

  • Hi !! its was a great topic and i loved your post !!

  • Great post, Vanessa. And, great courage to discuss sex in a valid, non-prissy, non-pornographic manner– exactly how it needs to be addressed for adults in a viable relationship.
    Thanks for your championship.

    • Hi Roy, thank you for your comment… I totally agree! It is rare for sex to spoken about in an open and respectful way and to embrace a broader perspective than just the physical. I appreciate your comment because I believe there are so many men (as well as women) who would agree with your words completely… it is refreshing!

      Lots of love
      Vanessa

  • I love what Gene and Janet are sharing, and the unique way that they do it….especially when it comes to the subtlties of female sexuality. The Making Love Retreat in March is going to be awesome.

    • Hi Krishna… I couldn’t agree more. I love the way Janet and Gene are so respectful and safe!!!! Sex and sexuality is a topic that so many people find confronting, and yet there is a very real need to address it and heal from past mis-understandings and violations.

      The Making Love Retreat sounds fantastic!!!!
      Lots of love
      Vanessa

  • Bill:

    Great information Venssa i truly enjoyed it. I truly agree you both have to have fun with sex or it just does not work. Thanks for sharing. :-)

    • Hi Bill, thank you… yes, I agree, sex needs to be fun!!! That was another point Janet and Gene made. They used a beautiful mediation to relax the group and make the point that we need to relax with sex, rather than be all stressed out and tense!!!

      Lots of love
      Vanessa

  • Great interpretation of the talk Vanessa – a wonderful description of the differences for men and women – brilliant!!

  • I’m not ashamed to admit that my husband and I have seen a sex therapist. Not because sex was bad but because we wanted to make it even better! Sex is such a wonderful thing and well worth doing right. Thanks for this post.

    • Hi Nicole… Thank you for sharing that! I agree completely… sex therapy, tantra and the making conscious love work that people like Janet and Gene do, are all fantastic… As long as both parties feel completely safe with the facilitators/therapists.

      We could ALL with some safe education around sexuality and sex!!!
      Lots of love
      Vanessa

  • Kama:

    I think many couples also avoid communicating about sex, if they did communicate about sex then they would realise what you have mentioned in this post. We put so much meaning on sex rather than enjoying the experience. Sex is a pleasurable experience just like a delicious meal is or a fun night out. Sex can be fun and relaxed if couples are open to communication, aware of their bodies and don’t add so much extra meaning to each sexual experience.

    • Hi Kama, thank you for your beautiful comment… you are completely right!!! To relax, communicate and practice awareness… all great aspects of conscious love making!!!

      Lots of love
      Vanessa

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