Reflections on Conscious Relationship – One

Conscious relationship is one of my passions because I love and honour love itself. While intimate relationship is only one type of relationship where love can be cultivated, it fascinates me because I believe there is so much potential in our intimate relationships, rather than misunderstanding, separation and heartbreak. My hope is that increased awareness of gender and relationship will lead to us healing ourselves and our hearts.

Learnings from my Personal Story

From a very early age I had a deep longing for love. My dad was a Vietnam veteran with PTSD and my mum was psychologically and emotionally shut down. So neither one of them were connected to love within themselves, their relationship or with their children. The only time the word love was even used in their household was when we were getting the strap … “I’m doing this because I love you!” So needless to say, my first introduction to so called love was abuse. There was a deep sense of “wrongness” for me as a child. I knew this was not love! And yet there was no affection, encouragement or half way positive messages about who I was or who I might become.

Perhaps what gave me the deepest sadness in my family of origin was that they were so emotionally shut down. Like androids, these people were not connected to themselves or each other. The aimless, depressed negativity drove me crazy! Later I was to know this as unconsciousness… deeply shutdown patterns that blocked them from the life force… blocked them from love! So my earliest desires to wake up, become conscious and embrace love originated from early childhood experiences.

Over the decades as an adult, I have accessed counselling, spiritual healing, kinesiology, body talk, holographic kinetics, and anything else I could get my hands on! Today I wake up feeling happy! There are times when challenging things happen in life, but my perceptions and beliefs are largely positive. Sometimes I witness my thoughts and their attached emotions, spiral into the old family patterns, but I see them for what they are… simply unconscious patterns that detract me from loving life.

So what does all this have to do with Conscious Relationship?

I learnt in a very real way the importance of healing myself before I can create a conscious, healing and loving intimate relationship. I cannot say I am fully healed… I know that is not true! But I am on my way!!! Becoming more aware of my unconscious patterns that are triggered in intimate relationship, I can take responsibility for my 50% of a relationship and learn from it. My dream for intimate relationships is where both people become consciously aware of their own psychological patterns and learn to create love rather than pain.

This involves understanding the differences between genders and honouring those differences. If women are generally emotionally based creatures while men are often physically based, then what can we learn from each other in regards to respecting each other? It is not so much about becoming like the other, but rather to understand what the other is about in how they approach life. The idea of opening to happiness through connection, honouring differences and complementing our partners in intimate relationships, is the cornerstone of conscious relationship. By observing and learning from our own reactions, we can learn to give better to our relationships. By learning how to communicate even when we speak different languages, we can create shared meaning and purpose in our relationships. By understanding and appreciating what the feminine and masculine give and HOW they give, we can increase gratitude and reduce resentment. This is essential if we are going to shift our intimate relationships from the average, shut down relationships that exist in the sludge of life.

How we connect to our intimate partner is a choice! If we struggle with resentment, criticism, guilt or condemnation towards our partner, then perhaps it is time to heal. First this process is in each individual self. Secondly, the relationship itself may need healing. Becoming conscious simply opens the door to healing and finding happiness in relationship. Conscious awareness is an on-going process that sometimes requires guidance through therapy, self-help avenues and other healing modalities. But it is worth it!!! For it is the difference between mastering ourselves and our relationships, and perpetuating the living hell of the unconscious relationships of the past. Without compassionate awareness towards ourselves, there cannot be love for another.


What are the important ingredients of Conscious Relationships in your experience?


9 Responses to “Reflections on Conscious Relationship – One”

  • Once again, great writing. Thanks Vanessa. You really do have the best blog.
    It’s so interesting when we look into our past. Everyone has something tucked away there that their parents did or didn’t do. I love the way you talk about this because you realise, it wasn’t their fault; under the circumstances, they did the very best job they could, so we can’t blame them or judge them. All we can do is work on ourselves.
    The important thing is, and you put this so well, is where our conscious relationships come from and for most of us they begin in the home as a child.
    I often see the example of this higher consciousness in some older women. They have a knowingness glow about them where they are totally in form with their consciousness and they are a pleasure to be with.

    Only thing I’d add is that I think men are not so much physically based as practically based and I think this is because of the hormones that they have to live with each day. Subtle difference in points-of view? maybe?
    Have a great day, Andrew

    • Hi Andrew, thank you for your great comment!!

      I know what you mean by some older women who have that “glow”, they are beautiful! When a woman learns to value and honour herself and accept herself fully she is amazing… deeply wise. Some people can be confronted by her because she sees straight through things … We could say she is “the Crone” in Ancient Greek mythology.

      You are also so right about not blaming those who came before us. They did do the best they could with what they knew. It is all about us each taking the self-responsibility to heal ourselves and create better in our lives and relationships.

      Lots of love

  • Kama:

    I agree with so much of this post. I believe that all relationships need to be conscious relationships, this is how we grow, learn and understand the world. It is all about choices, respect and awareness of ourselves and the other. Yes it all starts with self awareness, which is such a precious gift.

    • Hi Kama, thank you for your comment. I agree, it is all about self awareness, and it is a precious gift!!! Watching yours and Wayne’s relationship is a great example of conscious relationship is action… I thank you both for your influence on me!

      Lots of love

  • Hi Vanessa….agreement all round with above comments. Great writing, great intimacy, great exposure, great understanding. I find this whole subject a life-long stimulation….growing, learning, accepting, honouring, sharing. No room for shame or blame.
    I try to walk the talk, in saying that, I think when we are up close & personal, we can sometimes lose our way for a moment…. slip back into reaction rather than response. For those times we need loving mirrors, trusted friends, written reminders, visible cues, whatever jolts us back to being the loving soul we strive to be.

    • Hi Roni, fantastic comment. It is so true, it is so easy to fall back into unconscious reaction but we do not need to blame ourselves (or anyone else), we can simply bring in awareness and become conscious of what is happening for us. And yes, there are many mirrors. My process of self awareness is very pro-active including therapy, energy work, great friends and a lot of reading. These days Ill pick it up quicker if I have gone into reaction or projection!

      Thank you for your insights
      Lots of love

  • Deb:

    Beautiful Vanessa – I see being in a conscious relationship as an absolute gift to oneself, to the other and to the whole… One teacher shared with me, the purpose of real relationship is to heal, to comfort, to nurture and to bless…

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